1) You are a fascinating and sensual and complex person but you seem to be slipping into some sort of two-dimensional caricature figure or sad self parody. Your friends, who are doubtlessly loving and genuine, don't want you to change or progress or form attachments in the way that you repeatedly state you crave, because then you would not fulfil quite the same sweet - but ultimately patronised - role in their lives.
2) If I fancy someone I make them aware of it, believe me. Not in a subtle signs and portents sort of way, but in a long seductive emails and plying them with drink and attempting to lick their tonsils sort of way.
3) I think you are intriguing and truly beautiful. You are often misjudged as the less interesting half of an attractive whole, but I believe you are much more interesting than your partner. I'd like to get to know you better and would be honoured to count you as a friend, but I secretly fear that you think me an asinine gobshite.
4) Every time I see you I want to kiss you. Again.
5) You are my family and I will always fight in your corner. We both have our detractors but they are, in the main, hypocritical sanctimonious mediocrities who envy us our wit, looks and talent (and, of course, our modesty). Together we are unstoppable. And very very greedy.
6) You'd never know it if we met, but I have idle romantic/erotic fantasies about you even though we have never met and you are just a baby. I suspect we would get on, in a comedy double act sort of way, if we did ever meet. I'd like to have you as a henchman.
7) A middle-aged leopard who stares in the mirror and says 'What spots? These are stripes! Anyone who says otherwise is weak/deluded/prejudiced and completely and utterly wrong! is really never going to change. I am afraid my compassion for you, which was copious, was exhausted very quickly.
8) Ours is one of the first online friendships I made. I wish you would post as often as you used to, as I miss your full-blooded enthusiasms, your throughness and competence. I wish I could see you more often as you are like a lungful of Alpine air. I look forward to still learning from you when we are both in our dotage.
9) I think you are wary of me because we are much more alike than anyone would guess. I, however, do not share your terrible fear of being found out and am not quite such a bore when drunk.
10) If I had the money I would plan a long trip to the states and visit you. Or fly you to London and take you on an extended tour of my favourite haunts.