Rosamicula (rosamicula) wrote,

advice to the young at head

Following an email exchange with a former student who remembers me dispensing cynical advice to her (all-female) A level class, and moral_vacuum's suggestion that I am best at teaching things that aren't on the national curriculum, a list of things I think young women really ought to be told:

1. Having a boyfriend (or girlfriend) does not equate to having a life. By the same token, having someone else's boyfriend does not mean you have more life than them, and having two boyfriends does not mean you have twice as much life.

2. When you have sex with a man for the first time there is no point in the process where he will be thinking about how bad your cellulite (etc) is. He will be too busy thinking 'Hurray! This woman is prepared to have sex with me!' O perhaps, 'Oh God! What will she think if I come too quickly?'

3. If a man tells you, upon prompting, your bum does not look big in something he might be lying, he might be telling the truth, but he is definitely bored.

4. If your boyfriend keeps telling you your stomach is too fat or your tits are too small or your thighs are too flabby, it does not mean there is anything wrong with your stomach/tits/thighs, it doesn't mean you need breast implants or gym membership or to starve yourself - it just means you need to dump your boyfriend.

5. Your period will be irritating, messy and often very painful. Get over it. You cannot claim you are equably able to be a surgeon, pilot, or bank manager as any man if you whine about needing a day off a month to go home and cuddle your hot water bottle. Nor does it give you the right to treat other people badly for a week because you are 'hormotional'. You might well be hormotional, but you can - and should - rise above it.

6. Equality - and equality of attitude - cut both ways. If you think the fact that Lorena Bobbit cut off her cheating boyfriend's penis is hilariously funny, you should be prepared to laugh with a man who cut off his cheating girlfriend's breasts.

7. The only circumstance in which it is appropriate for a man you are having sex with not to wear a condom is if you are in a faithful relationship and both of you have a clean bill of health. If a man tries to cop out of wearing one in any other situation, impress upon him that your vagina is like an exclusive night club - you don't get in unless you are on the VIP guest list and properly attired.

8. Snogging one of your girlie mates in a nightclub once does not make you bisexual. You only get to wear the pearl if you are prepared to suck down the oyster. Leaving 'acting bi to look trendy and make the boys interested' to ageing pop stars with flagging record sales or talentless nonentities who are so overexposed even the tabloids are bored of them getting their tits out.

9. Never ask a man what he is thinking, especially in bed. He will be obliged to disappoint you with the truth or deceive you with a lie.

10. If your relationship is flagging, or you have convinced yourself it is, do not spend hour after hour of your time analysing it and replaying conversations, emails and texts to try and find some hidden meaning. There probably isn't one. If you find yourself doing this, stop; pick up a book, put on a film, go to the gym, do anything that will engage or stimulate your interest. Most women, by the time they are forty, will have wasted enough time to have written a book or learnt a language or done a 100 small things that would enrich their lives, on pointlessly poring over men and relationships that they will ultimately come to see as insignificant or irrelevant to them.
Tags: men, ranting, sex, women
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