Rosamicula (rosamicula) wrote,

You are digging your own grave with it, so why not call a spade a spade?

A couple of posts I have read recently (both written by women) have referred to something called 'boyspeak'. I am more than a little resistant to the idea that men and women speak different languages. I think it buys into the 'Men are from Essex, Women are from Berkshire' buy-my-book-full-of-statements-of-the-bleedin'-obvious-dressed-up-as-psychotwaddle-and-make-me-very-rich ethos that encourages women to believe that men are curious creatures that need some sort of instruction manual. To me this seems to encourage women into adopting the positions of wittering and witless Bridget Joneses, wasting their time analysing every little nuance of their relationships with men despite having a 101 other, better things to do with their time.

I think that the concept of 'boyspeak' is both patronising to men and absolves them from taking responsibility for their own words and actions. If, as in one of the posts, the boy in question couldn't comprehend the repeated instruction 'please stop doing that when we have sex because it causes me pain' it strikes me that this wasn't because he these words needed translating into 'boyspeak' but because the boy in question was an insensitive shitweazle*. In the other case someone received a positive, flirtatious text from a bloke and was anxious that the implications could be a little too flirtatious. My immediate reaction to this was to suggest that the very smart lady in question simply stop analysing his text as it probably only took him a fraction of a second to think of and write, and to give a similarly fraction of her own time and effort to a reply. Easier said, than done, of course, when a lot of women encourage each other to pore over every little word their men say, type or text to look for (often non-existent) hidden meanings.

In the first case a man is being accused of being naive or simple, in the second of being a bit obtuse and unreadable but both have been explained by their respective women in terms of 'boyspeak'. But I can't see these as translation problems, or even communication problems, not really. Instead they seem to me to be indicative of the degree of responsibility women are prepared to take for making their relationships work and the amount of time women are prepared to devote to the minutiae of those relationships. This has really been brought home to me by the some of the poly women I know who seem to assume that the women in the various relationships have to take more of the responsibility for the practicalities of how those relationships function - even to the extent of assuming that it is not the poor silly boy's fault that the condom wrappers and custardy sheets from sex with girlfriend A are still in his room when it is girlfriend B's date night. The notion that men need simple concepts translating into 'boyspeak' reinforces the idea that, because they are 'just boys', they can't cook, clean, look after themselves, take control of their own genitalia or do any of the boring, grown-up things that women are so good at.

When it comes to relationships in general and sex in particular, I think women have everything to gain by simply saying what they mean and believing that their men simply mean what they say. Especially when it comes to renegotiating or refusing sex. The first man I brought back to my current flat was charming and personable and sexy (though probably only destined to be a one night stand or a fling at most). He used my lavatory while we were still at the coffee stage. When we finally adjourned to the bedroom, I went to use the loo and discovered he had missed the toilet bowl by quite a margin and pissed all over my lavatory floor. I went straight to the bedroom and told him he woudl have to go. When he asked why, I told him. He was more affronted than embarrassed and mumbled something about all blokes doing that. I pointed out that I could only assume that if he got all the way to thirty without being able to locate a lavatory bowl with his dick, he wasn't going to be much cop in bed and definitely wouldn't be able to locate my clitoris with his tongue. He left, very quickly and quietly and red in the face.

Afterwards quite a few of my friends, male and female, said I should have let him down much more gently. I couldn't see why, as I didn't think I should respect someone's feelings if he had so little respect for me that he expected me to clean up his piss after him. Worst of all was the female friend who said I should have made up an excuse, said I didn't feel well, or that it was soon for us to have sex, or that I had sort of changed my mind. I'm not sure if she thought this would be a translaton into boyspeak; it was rather that she seemed to think I should communicate in someting like ladyspeak, make genteel excuses and not be blunt and talk directly about nasty rude things, because nice girls don't talk about nasty rude things. But if I had said I had gone off the idea of sleeping with Mr Not-Housetrained-Yet then I would have taken sole responsibility for the sex not taking place. And why should I? I didn't just change my mind, I had it changed for me. His lavatorial inadequacy and lack of common respect was Just Not My Monkey. Hopefully, if he learned from that experience, it wouldn't have to be the monkey of the next women he tried to take to bed either.

*TM sushidog plc

Tags: boyspeak, sex, spades
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