September 14th, 2011

Cocktail Demon

ve haff vays of making you drink

I must have signed up for a thing (probably, knowing me, some sort of prize draw) with one of the pubs in Richmond. They emailed me recently with this:

Ladies Ale Night

To mark Young's 180th anniversary we have beer expert and author Melissa Cole hosting a Ladies Ale Night from 7pm. In line with new ales being launched behind the bar, Melissa will urge and educate the ladies to swap their usual tipple of choice for something a little different. There will be food matching and a double chocolate stout birthday cake. All guests will not leave empty handed.

I am absolutely sure I don't want to be 'urged and educated' about anything, let alone fizzy brown water that tastes alarmingly like the smell of the male lavatories in pubs. This is what all beers taste like to me, apart from fruit beers, and they mainly taste like alcopops and vomit, which is still better than non-fruit beers. Late, lamented blue_condition claimed I just hadn't met the right beer yet; I suspect, for me, the right beer just doesn't exist. I am a beer philistine.

At my age, I am unlikely to swap my 'tipple of choice' for anything short of an elixir of youth. Actually looking at my complexion compared to that of teetotal killjoys like turd-sniffing 'doctor' Gillian McKeith, I am pretty sure gin is an elixir of youth.

Also, just because I have a vagina, it doesn't mean I'm going to be lured in by the promise of an effing chocolate cake. A slice of game pie, or a piece of game barman (preferably from a nation with a Baltic coastline) and I might be persuaded.

And is it just me, or does 'all guests will not leave empty-handed' sound rather threatening?