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September 26th, 2011

Sep. 26th, 2011

What movie would you like to see remade, and why? How would you change it?

All of the Sex and the City movies.

I'd relocate them to London. The women would have real jobs where you actually did some work and couldn't spend your time whining in cafes about being single/your boyfriend/your infertility/the pressure of motherhood. They'd never talk about diets and relationships, but they's often talk about food and sex.

The Carrie figure would not have a column in which she blethered a load of sentimental, self-indulgent psychobabble about love and relationships. She'd be a tack-sharp political journalist by day, with a successful anonymous blog about the frequency with which she got drunk and shagged inappropriate men and women, interspersed with savage bits of Westminster gossip, and glee about her bargains from Primark and New Look.

The men in it would look like human beings, not human-sized Ken dolls with alarmingly large, shiny dentition and King Charles spaniel hair. The women would actually eat some pies. They'd all - not just the acknowledged nympho - get their norks out in sex scenes. None of them would get married. The lawyer would have a delinquent teenage daughter who got into scads of trouble. The gay men in it would be a broad mix of normal queers, not all tiresome, hackneyed screaming queens.

One of the films would be about the women going on a trip to New York and satirise the peculiar American attitudes to sex and 'dating', the fact that all the men have mutilated genitals* and the horrifying range of cunt-freshening unguents and devices in drugstores. Their conversation about these horrors would be overheard and would lead a Campaign for Normal Genitalia which would get taken up by Oprah and Gwyneth Paltrow - who'd burn her vaginal douches live on air. A number of male celebrities of dubious moral character - Henry Kissinger, Mike Tyson etc would jump on the bandwagon and admit, in emotive public confessions, that their most ill-advised and violent acts were subliminally motivated by their grief for their lost foreskins.

* Yes, I know there is a hygiene argument. But given that I am capable of teaching other peoples' sons the finer points of English grammar, I am pretty sure I could teach one of my own how to wash his cock properly. If I did have a son, even though I really don't want one and would much rather have a puppy, I am even surer that the last thing I would ever want to do to him is slice a bit off him. Let alone the fact that blowing a man without a foreskin is often not a mere job, but more like a bloody quest.

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